Have you ever been alone in a crowded room when I'm here with you?

Have you ever been alone in a crowded room; well I'm here with you...

I don't understand where all my money goes. Honestly, it's not like I need to spend money on anything since I'm living in residence and yet it seems like I've been consistently broke for the first month of school. Hmm.

Bus ticket home: $37 (can you believe it was $27 three years ago... damn petrol prices)
Corn maze trip: $12 (I got swindled into this one)
Toiletries: $50+ (who knew razor blades, facewash, antiperspirant, and contact lens solution would cost me a fortune)

Christ, that's $100 right there. But it's not like I can stop shaving, bathing, and perspiring. I suppose I can stop wearing contact lenses but that's not going to happen.

"I was sitting in my room the other just chilling and all of a sudden, I have this moment; like this epiphany type thing; all of a sudden I was just like... what am I doing here?"

This was funny because he's American so he was referring to his being in a Canadian university more than anything else. But the hilarity of the moment didn't prevent the proclamation from striking home. And it gave me furiously to think. Now, I have these moments of existential crises every so often. I mean, they never last very long because as I like to tell people, I'm too worried about dying single to have time for an existential crisis. And to a very great extent, that is true insofar as I can't have an existential crisis on the grounds of the most common question that leads to existential crises: "Is this all there is in life?" or some variant thereof.

Of course, the question of what I'm doing here is slightly different. Well, let's see. I'm here at university to get a degree... 2 degrees actually, a B.AH and a B.Ed. Ok, that seems straightforward enough. There are many other reasons to be at university but let's say I take this one to be the predominant impetus for now. So I'm here to get 2 degrees, both of which are supposed to be geared towards getting me a job. Again, straightforward enough. Why do I need a job? To feed myself primarily... and to provide myself with a place to live. With that in mind, this all seems very simple right?

There's no right way or wrong way, you just have to live. So I do what I do and at least I exist. What could mean more than this? What could mean more?

Charming. But let's say we branch out a little bit. Why the particular job as a teacher? Well, I find teaching to be pretty satisfying and I like to be around interesting people in a dynamic setting. From what I've experienced so far, I don't think I'll have a problem while I'm teaching with finding a purpose in what I do. So I think I've covered my grounds there as far as a meaningful occupation goes. But outside of teaching, why have a job at all? Aside from eating and sleeping, I suppose I want to be able to continue existing because of 2 things. I want to create something beautiful, interesting, and affecting and I want to spend time with people I care about. A simplistic viewpoint but I seriously think I can boil my existence down to those 2 things. As to the first... well, that's an interesting goal if only because I can't see all that many practical ways of doing it in any realistic sense. Barring some insane and totally unforeseen epiphany or stroke of artistic genius, it'll be a book or publication. What this book will be about, I've not yet decided although the problem is more in picking something I can write upon in an interesting and affecting fashion than the actual lack of ideas. I feel like this will be a supremely necessary component of my life because I like creating things and finishing them and I am in constant need of a project I can focus my energy upon. At this moment I lack... shall we say, inspiration?

But the latter... I want to spend time with people I care about who care about me in equal or like manner. That's the third prong in the analogy... which I suppose has taken the shape of a fork (what with the prong reference and all). Ideally, that would be my existence. Spend my life teaching and during the time when I am not doing this, I am spending every possible moment with people I care about. The remainder of my time goes towards this mysterious project I have yet to start. Of course, this opens up the question of who I can realistically expect to be a part of my life for the rest of my life.

So say I stay in Canada and not follow up on this zany plan to move to Singapore after I graduate and get 3 AQs (for the records, they are: being able to teach the P/J division, teaching English overseas, and IB) and possibly do a Masters in Ed. Who can I realistically expect to be a part of my life? Well, I suppose I can reasonably hope that the Winestock brothers will be. I can probably reasonably hope that David and Omair will be around. I would say I can reasonably hope Karen will be around as well but she's concocted equally zany plans of teaching in faraway places. The difference between us is that Karen is done her B.Ed and is in the actual process of carrying out these zany plans. So say she's not around (likely). I am pinning my adult life on 4 friends from elementary school.

Somehow, that frightens me beyond comprehension. And not just because of the infrequency with which I see David and Omair although I can reasonably hope they'll be in my life post-grad. So I'm drawn back to the original point. What am I doing at university? Well, supposedly, I'm here to meet people... some of whom I should hope I will continue to see post-grad. You can see how this all ties in with this year being my last year of undergrad. So realistically speaking, every moment I spend here at university (barring eating, sleeping, exercise, etc) should either be spent getting my degree (i.e. doing work) or in the company of friends.

The existential crisis component of all this centers around the realization of how horrifically I have failed at doing this last part. Some of it is out of my control. Really, the "problem" with my set of friends who lived on my floor in first year is completely geographical. Among us, people have come from Barrie, Sebringville, Vancouver, Massachusettes, and of course Toronto. That's not to say that they'll all end up back in their hometown once we've graduated but it's a fair bet that we're not all going to be in one place. But what can you do. It's actually slightly annoying that that would actually be the primary problem post-grad. Not a question of strength of friendship, a question of distance.

So then what? Well, by this point in my university career, it would surprise me if I saw anyone from the Doorbell Room group after grad (Rachel Manson being a possible exception). And I probably shouldn't get into a premature discussion about what it's going to be like with the people I've met on my floor... and I say this not only because I haven't met any. Ok, that's an exaggeration... but it's not a gross one. But like I said, premature. In my experience, while everyone seems to be friends with everyone else on a floor, that usually stops being the case by the time second semester rolls around. So say I cut my floor out of this discussion... I'm left with, as I mentioned, a sense of how horrifically bad I've been at connecting with people at university. And for once, I am going to strive not to blame Asperger's Syndrome on this one. Hmm.

Of course, there's always the other option. Meet a girl, fall in love, get married, have a family. But I'm not even going to open that can of worms. And not just because I've gotten the most ridiculously contradictory advice on anything remotely related to this topic. You can't try too hard. But you have to put yourself out there. Be assertive and put forth the best version of yourself 100% of the time. But find someone who likes you for who you are, good and bad. Be yourself and it'll happen naturally. But be aware and make things happen.

Honestly...

I've come to notice. The better I get to know people, the more they gravitate towards calling me Jon rather than Jon Wong. It seems like everyone starts off calling me Jon Wong and while nobody ever really gets out of the habit of referring to me as such, it almost seems like a title opposed to a name and people who I get to know well enough to be able to distinguish between the two actually end up using both.

It is one of the cruel ironies of life that in relation to the opposite sex, eloquence fails you around the girl to whom you wish to be the most eloquent. Seriously, what kind of rotten deal is that?!

So I've been chastised on occasions about the fact that I don't know enough about world news. This is perhaps true. But why do people give me odd looks when I ask them about news about their immediate neighborhood/community and chastise them for not knowing about things that are within their immediate vicinity? Seriously. I'm thrilled that you know every minute detail about the war in Iraq but isn't it a little more relevant to know details about the people who live next to you? I mean sure, it's good to know about stuff that goes on in the world and I plead guilty to not being well read in that department. But I take an interest in people and places that are close to me. I know my next door neighbors; I take an interest in reading the Queen's Journal because it has local news about Kingston and news about the university. 100 years ago, people knew nothing about the world around them (relatively speaking) but they had an intimate knowledge about the community they lived within. So yes, people have become much better informed, in this day and age, about global and international news. But I would argue that people have become much less informed about their community and the people around them. Ask someone about their next door neighbor's problems and they say "I don't really know that much about it... it's not really my business". Oh right, but the problems in the Middle East - those problems are so much more your business. Right, I know that things that happen internationally do affect us here; but somehow, I imagine that things that happen next door to us have a slightly more immediate affect. You know why people are so reluctant to let their kids frolic around outside these days? Or why Hallowe'en has become a big safety concern? It's because you doinks don't take the time to get to know the people living in your neighborhood.

So stop criticizing me for not knowing about international news if you don't know your local ones.